Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
