i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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