There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im holly from the hills drunk
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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