Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
