he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
