that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
