In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
