Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
