I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize