he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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