I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
