If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
