i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
