you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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