My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
