he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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