Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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