that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
