I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
