put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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