somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
time to smoke my breakfast
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
