Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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