Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
