the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
