I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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