i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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