I wish I only lived at night.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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