hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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