Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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