i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
