I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
