I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
