he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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