i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
