Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
