Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
