You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
