I just cut my nipple shaving
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
