Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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