I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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