Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
