my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
