My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
there's paper in my vomit.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
