Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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