I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
