If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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