i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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