He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
