if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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