I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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