So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
