I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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