what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
