Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
