I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
