was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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