worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
