had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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