Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
