I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
