I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
