U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
