Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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