Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize