Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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