Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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